#252 / You can choose to not be toxic.
“You don’t have to be okay. You’re allowed to exist in the spaces between. All that matters is that you keep reaching back.”
As I write this, I haven’t slept in a couple of days.
I've been through a few things recently that have triggered a spike in depression and anxiety and a bit of CPTSD, and sleep has been elusive. I chatted to my partner about it this morning, and I shared that I could feel myself being tempted to fall back into some old patterns. Resenting whoever is nearest to me, as a way of exorcising my own pain and frustration/
After talking and opening up, I walked for coffee and croissants on my own to let go of things so it wouldn’t spill over for her. It was a choice, and it was a choice I was proud of. I didn’t box myself up. I didn’t build walls. I didn’t act on a harmful instinct. And I know we’ll be stronger for it.
You can choose to not be toxic, in your friendships and in your relationships and in the way you treat yourself. You can choose to recognise and work through toxic behaviours and patterns. You are not a slave to them. Nobody is.
And today, I am thankful that I am not.
All my love,
You do not need to spend time with people who cause you harm. Remember that. Just because you love them, just because they love you, doesn’t mean you are obligated to be around people who are not healthy for you. I suck at remembering this. Please remember it with me?
It’s one of the first things we’re ever taught. Lying is dangerous. Lying hurts us and the people around us. Tangled webs will always tangle the weaver. But we fall back on dishonesty time and time again, don’t we? I suggest looking towards a degree of radical honesty. Telling the truth, no matter what. No matter if it hurts. No matter if it’s hard. No matter the consequences. In the long run, it will always be the right decision.
If you’re finding your thoughts are a little too noisy right now - hey, that’s okay. But a good solution might be to simply record those thoughts to get them out of your head and out of the way. It’s journaling at scale, and I believe it could be helpful.
For Your Spellbook Journal
Remember this. Write it down. You get to choose the way you feel. You get to choose the way you respond. Nobody else can make those decisions for you.